Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Despicable Me



For some unfathomable reason, I continuously try to kill my best friend's family.

When our first children were months old, I convinced her to give her child a teething biscuit. She and her husband explained that this particular baby hadn't really tried eating, well, food yet and they were afraid that she might choke on it. Since I had been shoving teething biscuits down my baby's throat for a while, I convinced them that it was safe and they should give it a try. Just a little peer pressure between pals.

We were at Chevy's having probably the first night out at a restaurant since we gave birth and the little girls were firmly buckled into highchairs. My own darling angel had a slimy biscuit in her fist and alternated between gumming it and painting the table with it. Don't worry, I was a typical paranoid first time mommer: I had one of those strange-but-oh-so-practical peel 'n' stick place mats glued to the horrible, parasite ridden, unsanitary, Malaria/SARS infested public table. *Wink*

My friend unwrapped the biscuit and slowly, tentatively handed it to her child. The baby grabbed it and started sucking away. We all waited with baited breath and after a few seconds, all present sighed with relief and began to peruse the menu.

Somewhere between filling up on tortilla chips and dinner delivery, we heard a gagging cough.

I have never -before or since- seen a woman move as fast as my BFF jumped out of her seat. She wasted no time unbuckling her child - she was suddenly superhuman: She lifted the entire high chair up over her head and turned it upside down. Every adult at the table stood in panic, but by the time we reached our feet, a little chunk of slimy teething biscuit bounced across the floor.

That was the first of many attempts that I have made to eradicate her family.

This past weekend, my dark side resurfaced and I tried again.

We decided to join our two families for a camping trip. Now they have three children, instead of only one (so many more opportunities for my endeavor!). This was their first time camping since becoming a family unit, so I was trying to give helpful information along the way, like: Don't bring any blankets. I told her, "It is supposed to be really, really hot all weekend and blankets take up so much room!"

That first night was so cold that I only just started regaining the feeling in my pinkies and thumbs.

The adults hobbled around for the duration of the trip: Joints destroyed by the freezing temperatures, because we had been sleeping without any blankets. My latest attempt was an abysmal failure. They are all still with us for the time being: Adorable children and very forgiving adults. The Husbands left the campsite early on Sunday to find the closest Walmart, so that they could buy thermals and beanies for the whole group. My own husband returned with a bedspread.

They are safe... for now. I wonder what my next attempt shall be?


I've camped with this friend since we were children. I don't remember trying to end her life back then.



April, 1986

We went on the camping trip, it was fun, I got to be E's partner, we hooked our tent to K and S's tent, I got home yesterday, my brother is a meany, he always messes up our room and I have to clean it up! Oh, well! I learned how to draw different animals I love. I get to be on cafeteria now, I quit babysitting! Craig took my place. They don't like him at all! J got hit by a car, or so they are saying, and the same with C, that is weird two people in the same month! I don't believe it I just don't think C got ran over, because he came to school three days after they were saying he had a broken arm, he had no cast on though! Z got the chicken pox, T got something like pnemonia, gosh pretty soon we won't have anyone in our class, D, J, T, and Z are all gone! I guess it's a bad month! Oh well, time to stop! Bye!


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