Sunday, May 23, 2010

Cloudy With a Chance of Awkward

While drifting away from that delicious, warm, cashmere hug that some people call "Anesthesia", I could hear two unfamiliar, female voices near the foot of my hospital bed. "What is wrong with her?" One of them asked. "I dunno", answered the other, "but she must be dying. Just like our Dear Martha. I think everyone on this floor is."

Just like that, I was in a huge quandary: Do I sit up, open my eyes and say "Hellooo? I'm alive"? Or do I lay there, letting them tsk-tsk over my prone body, until someone comes to check on me? Then I begin to worry that maybe I really am dying. Thankfully, I didn't have to make any rash decisions. The nurse came in and told me that I could go home, once I used the toilet and proved that I can walk.

I peed and ran around the nurse's station, the back of my gown open and flapping in the breeze. If I had had that sort of motivation in junior high school, I could have won the Union Middle School Turkey Trot. Luckily, I was a victim of hospital overcrowding and not a botched surgery: The only thing to have met it's Heavenly Reward was my gall bladder. It went on to a better place.

I frequently find myself in these surreal, awkward situations. Some people say that they have "Aha" moments. They finally "get it" and hear a choir singing, or something. Mine are usually "Why Me" moments. All I hear is that wacky wind instrument that you get in cartoons when someone is smashed in the face with a pie.

Did you know that in less than two years, I have had five mysteriously flat tires? Alright, so one wasn't a mystery: My tire kissed the center island at the Taco Bell drive-thru. Then there was the one from when I got too close to the curb at my kids' school, but never mind that. I've had to call my husband every time and ask him to come help me. Do you know how embarrassing it has become to make those calls? Why Me?

Several years ago, I was directing a production of "Tom Sawyer" at a children's theater. An entire family was cast in the show together. The Wife, The Husband, The Son (he was around 8) and The Daughter, who was four. They were adorable. The Husband was playing the part of The Reverend. When the town thought that Tom and Huck were dead, he gave a speech that started something like this:

"My Brothers and Sisters in Jesus! We gather today to mourn these young souls..."

And ended something like this:

"Let me hear you say Amen! Louder now: Let me hear you say AMEN!"

He was great. He sounded just like he was raised somewhere in the Deep South. During dress rehearsal, he and The Wife told me that they thought I had a great sense of humor, casting a Jewish man in the role. I'd had no idea. That's obviously not a "Why Me" moment though, just a funny anecdote. Stick with me - it gets better.

The previous week, The Wife had informed me that The Husband was going to miss a rehearsal due to a business trip out of the country. I explained that he had already missed two rehearsals and per my policy, he would have to give one of his performances to his double. She pleaded with me, saying that the trip was to Japan and it was crucial to his business. I, being the clueless, power-tripping 20 year old that I was, would not bend. The Husband was impressed by my "spunk" and handed me a business card. "Call my HR department", he said, "I could use someone like you where I work. You would be great at team building exercises." I indignantly informed him that I would never sit at a desk. I was an artist and I did not belong in some corporate cubicle. He patted me on the shoulder and walked away.

I didn't look at his business card until five years later, when I was getting ready to marry my husband and move out of my parent's house. It was in a box of random items. At the top of the simple white card was his name.

Cue the cartoon-y wind instrument music...

Below was his title: CEO. At the bottom was the name of a very large, very famous movie rental company. I'm willing to bet all of you have used their services, at least once. I'm pretty sure that I actually hit my forehead with the palm of my hand after reading that card.

I will always have days like that. I'm like a magnet for those moments and I always have been...

May 1986

I am a wimp! I only got 3 seconds on the arm pull, it is sort of like chin-ups, except you don't go up then down, you go up and stay up and you count how many seconds you stay up, oh, well,I hope I get good grades, this doesn't affect your grade, but I do hope I get good grades. C says I gave him rabies and he says E gave him rabies and aides and all of that and he also bit me: HARD! He doesn't have any resemblance to human life, he's a weird looney bin! In a psyco house! He is not exactly what i want to write about! especially him gosh! He is strange. well, my trip to yosemite wasn't the greatest trip I've ever been on, but it wasn't to bad to speak about: Like C - Gross. I don't really like E as much as I used to, she acts like I'm someone stupid, like a jerk! Oh well, she is still my friend ALWAYS SHE WILL BE!

PS. C.E. will be my friend for ever and ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, etc.

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