The Haunted Hospital

I could say that I'm surprised to see that the Halloween stuff has taken over the shelves at most stores in our area - but if I did I'd be lying. I saw some at the local dollar store in July. It made my brain feel a little funny, to see the red white and blue "You're a Grand Ol' Flag" banners next to the Frankenstein Paint-a-Piggybanks.

My six year old son, Bean, has a reputation for being terrified of pretty much anything which signifies the orange and black holiday. Last year, MacG brought our daughter into the Spirit Halloween Store to look for a costume. We all went on this little trip, because we decided to visit the Bounce House Patch after - to see if they might actually have some pumpkins there. Bean refused to enter the store. I couldn't blame him: Once you walk in, every terrifying animatronic/robotic statue in existence begins to gyrate, scream, shake and moan once the motion sensors have been activated.

The boy and I sat on the curb eating a bag of chocolate from the Sees shop, next door. Peanut left the Spirit store with a big bag of bloody gauze - she planned to use it to make her own costume.

Bean wouldn't allow the gory purchase to sit on the seat between them. He requested that it be locked in the trunk. I'm going to guess that out of the two children, he will not be my future horror movie-watching buddy. There is definitely hope for Peanut.

Although the things in the store are pretty scary, the only truly frightening place that I've ever been is the hospital. Now, I don't want to sound like your old Aunt Marge, who constantly complains about her various ailments. I know that with me, eventually my thoughts always returns to my wonky back. But this time it really does have something to do with the story!

I want to tell you about my time in The Haunted Hospital.

So, my spine surgeon is a talented guy. He builds things out of titanium and plants them in your body and you're able to walk, when once you might have had a lot of trouble getting around. But, he wanted to do my most recent surgery in a hospital that was about to shut down and change hands. In fact, I was the last living patient in the entire facility.

Okay, there was one Other Guy - but his family was just waiting for the doors to close, so that they could unplug him. I'm not being funny: This was actually the case.

The surgery was scheduled to be completed by mid-morning and I was supposed to be able to leave before dinner.

Didn't happen that way.

I ended up staying for FIVE DAYS.

The place was completely deserted. There was yellow Caution tape criss-crossed over the doors of the offices and rooms that had already been cleaned and sanitized. There weren't any doctors there, except one that was under contract to watch over me and the Other Guy. My own Doctor had left the country on vacation with his family, because he hadn't expected me to be hanging out there for so long.

The hallways were always dark, except directly in front of the room in which I was enjoying my stay. The same three nurses were always somewhere nearby and two physical therapists would visit daily and make me hobble around the eerie, shadowed halls with my walker.

The only people who visited were the Other Guy's wife, my family and our pastor. Everyone always looked very uncomfortable to be paying a visit, during my time at Casa de Creepy.

The night before I was able to leave, I had to sleep in a different room - because they were scheduled to renovate my room.

In the morning, there was yellow tape over my former door. Needless to say, I was thrilled to be given my walking papers. As I walked toward the exit, I passed the Other Guy's room. His family was saying goodbye.

If that hospital wasn't haunted when I got there, it surely is now...

October 17, 1985

On Tuesday it seemed like my house was haunted. We go to the front door and you can hear the television. when I opened the door I saw a flash and it was off. We herd footsteps and someone sliding on the loose carpet in the hall so we ran out to E's house. We got to her house and I said "let me lock the door". because I left it unlocked when we ran out, so we went back and it was locked!

Sounds like someone had been reading too much Stephen King...

Cloudy With a Chance of Awkward

While drifting away from that delicious, warm, cashmere hug that some people call "Anesthesia", I could hear two unfamiliar, female voices near the foot of my hospital bed. "What is wrong with her?" One of them asked. "I dunno", answered the other, "but she must be dying. Just like our Dear Martha. I think everyone on this floor is."

Just like that, I was in a huge quandary: Do I sit up, open my eyes and say "Hellooo? I'm alive"? Or do I lay there, letting them tsk-tsk over my prone body, until someone comes to check on me? Then I begin to worry that maybe I really am dying. Thankfully, I didn't have to make any rash decisions. The nurse came in and told me that I could go home, once I used the toilet and proved that I can walk.

I peed and ran around the nurse's station, the back of my gown open and flapping in the breeze. If I had had that sort of motivation in junior high school, I could have won the Union Middle School Turkey Trot. Luckily, I was a victim of hospital overcrowding and not a botched surgery: The only thing to have met it's Heavenly Reward was my gall bladder. It went on to a better place.

I frequently find myself in these surreal, awkward situations. Some people say that they have "Aha" moments. They finally "get it" and hear a choir singing, or something. Mine are usually "Why Me" moments. All I hear is that wacky wind instrument that you get in cartoons when someone is smashed in the face with a pie.

Did you know that in less than two years, I have had five mysteriously flat tires? Alright, so one wasn't a mystery: My tire kissed the center island at the Taco Bell drive-thru. Then there was the one from when I got too close to the curb at my kids' school, but never mind that. I've had to call my husband every time and ask him to come help me. Do you know how embarrassing it has become to make those calls? Why Me?

Several years ago, I was directing a production of "Tom Sawyer" at a children's theater. An entire family was cast in the show together. The Wife, The Husband, The Son (he was around 8) and The Daughter, who was four. They were adorable. The Husband was playing the part of The Reverend. When the town thought that Tom and Huck were dead, he gave a speech that started something like this:

"My Brothers and Sisters in Jesus! We gather today to mourn these young souls..."

And ended something like this:

"Let me hear you say Amen! Louder now: Let me hear you say AMEN!"

He was great. He sounded just like he was raised somewhere in the Deep South. During dress rehearsal, he and The Wife told me that they thought I had a great sense of humor, casting a Jewish man in the role. I'd had no idea. That's obviously not a "Why Me" moment though, just a funny anecdote. Stick with me - it gets better.

The previous week, The Wife had informed me that The Husband was going to miss a rehearsal due to a business trip out of the country. I explained that he had already missed two rehearsals and per my policy, he would have to give one of his performances to his double. She pleaded with me, saying that the trip was to Japan and it was crucial to his business. I, being the clueless, power-tripping 20 year old that I was, would not bend. The Husband was impressed by my "spunk" and handed me a business card. "Call my HR department", he said, "I could use someone like you where I work. You would be great at team building exercises." I indignantly informed him that I would never sit at a desk. I was an artist and I did not belong in some corporate cubicle. He patted me on the shoulder and walked away.

I didn't look at his business card until five years later, when I was getting ready to marry my husband and move out of my parent's house. It was in a box of random items. At the top of the simple white card was his name.

Cue the cartoon-y wind instrument music...

Below was his title: CEO. At the bottom was the name of a very large, very famous movie rental company. I'm willing to bet all of you have used their services, at least once. I'm pretty sure that I actually hit my forehead with the palm of my hand after reading that card.

I will always have days like that. I'm like a magnet for those moments and I always have been...

May 1986

I am a wimp! I only got 3 seconds on the arm pull, it is sort of like chin-ups, except you don't go up then down, you go up and stay up and you count how many seconds you stay up, oh, well,I hope I get good grades, this doesn't affect your grade, but I do hope I get good grades. C says I gave him rabies and he says E gave him rabies and aides and all of that and he also bit me: HARD! He doesn't have any resemblance to human life, he's a weird looney bin! In a psyco house! He is not exactly what i want to write about! especially him gosh! He is strange. well, my trip to yosemite wasn't the greatest trip I've ever been on, but it wasn't to bad to speak about: Like C - Gross. I don't really like E as much as I used to, she acts like I'm someone stupid, like a jerk! Oh well, she is still my friend ALWAYS SHE WILL BE!

PS. C.E. will be my friend for ever and ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, etc.